American Idol: Season 8, Top 8
It’s “Year of Your Birth” song week on American Idol, so expect a lot of 80s hits, except from Alison, of course, because she was created in a lab just before the show started. At least Rhianna will be making a royalty check this week, then.
Danny Gokey
Singing: “What Hurts the Most” by Ben E. King
Performance: This counts because it was covered in 1980, I guess. Not only is he invoking the spirit of his Dead Wife ™, but also the phantom of Wil Wheaton, so there’s a lot to live up to here. This is a really, really weird arrangement of this song. It’s kind of like, a lounge version, which…there shouldn’t be a lounge version of this song. Paula needs to have a cry.
Judges Say: A good start to the night, even if the arrangement stunk.
I Say: I no longer really have anything to say about all this business.
Change: +1
Score: +4
Kris Allen
Singing: “All She Wants to Do Is Dance” by Don Henley
Performance: Apparently he wanted to be a taxi driver when he was a kid, which is kind of cool. There’s an idea, singing taxi driver! We’ll make a fortune. This is really boring. Randy makes a good point (!) in saying that the arrangement here made the band louder than Kris at times. What is with this? Paula making salient points once in a while? Randy making a good point tonight? Geez.
Judges Say: That was probably not the best direction to be going.
I Say: His most boring performance to date, which is too bad because he’s already super boring.
Change: -1
Score: +2
Lil Rounds
Singing: “What’s Love Got to Do with It” by Tina Turner
Performance: Her entire video package is about how her name isn’t “Lil’.” This is kind of awful. She’s trying to hit some Tina notes and she’s just ending up flat all over the place. Was she even a particularly good singer in the first place? I mean holy crap, this is, like, 800 weeks in a row where she’s been kind of awful. Simon and Paula spend the entire judge’s segment arguing about saying the exact same thing. They cannot even agree together!
Judges Say: Ok, you know what? Screw it. You’re not as good as we thought.
I Say: Yeah, I’m pretty much with them. I give up on you.
Change: – 1
Score: -1
Anoop Desai
Singing: “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper
Performance: He goes from whooping it up about the Carolina victory in the NCAA tournament to vaguely apologizing for snapping at Kara last week. Don’t apologize! It makes you edgy! “True Colors?” Really? He’s really quiet, which is doesn’t really work here, but I like the choice here. If he was able to put a little power behind this thing here it’d be pretty fantastic, as it is, it’s just mediocre, but well done.
Judges Say: This was pretty much the anti-thesis of Lil’s performance.
I Say: I’m not really digging the lime green sweater vest, but it was a good performance.
Change: +1
Score: -1
Scott MacIntyre
Singing: “The Search is Over” by Survivor
Performance: Ugh…so Scott’s video package basically says that he likes to play with trains and dress up, which is not really the image I would convey here. Ugh, we have to deal with the awkward death stare because he’s standing up and playing the guitar (badly). This is literally the worst up with people song. I can’t handle it. This show is trying to kill me. I’m honestly a little shocked that Scott wasn’t on the same season as Phil Stacey’s death stare.
Judges Say: We liked you better when you hid behind the piano like a troll.
I Say: This performance makes me want to dress up and play with trains. I think.
Change: -1
Score: +2
Allison Iraheta
Singing: “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt
Performance: Her baby pictures were taken, like, yesterday. Her hair is better than last week’s at least. It’s decent about 90% of the time, but her 16-year old smoker’s voice is really…weird. She’s totally going to win this show, now I think, but her voice is really starting to grate on me. Like, horribly. Take a…lozenge or something. It’s really screwing up her performance.
Judges Say: Be more likeable so we can sign you to an awful contract.
I Say: There’s nothing I can do anymore. I just can’t care about her any more than I do.
Change: +1
Score: +5
Matt Giraud
Singing: “Part Time Lovers” by Stevie Wonder
Performance: Somebody stole the piano! No pianos for you, piano people! This is actually…Really good? Matt Giraud is one of my favorite contestants, but he’s never really put on a fantastic performance, and I think this might be as close as he ever gets. It’s really pretty good. I think it would’ve been better with the piano, but…you know. Somebody stole it.
Judges Say: We‘re all out of time, so we‘ll just say “Good.”
I Say: I’m running out of time, but I thought it was pretty good too.
Change: +1
Score: +4
Adam Lambert
Singing: “Mad World” by Tears for Fears
Performance: Adam’s dad is totally, like, “Bitch wouldn’t play sports. 
” So this should be interesting. Tears for Fears is pretty much the perfect band for Adam Lambert. And, it’s exactly as fucking weird performance you’d expect here, but it’s…sort of awesome. Like this show is just so fucking stupid now that this is just sort of this undeniable fusion of horribly weird and totally cool that between this and McIntyre’s crazy blind eyes I just cannot take this any more.
Judges Say: We’re all just going to applaud because we have literally nothing to say.
I Say: I have…no fucking clue any more. I do not know what I think of this.
Change: +2
Score: +1
My Bottom Two:
Lil and Scott
Even the show has resigned itself to the fact that Lil isn’t nearly as good they thought she was going to be. She’s gotten worse every week since they started and she honestly has no realistic shot of winning this competition right now, unless she does something really fantastic. Scott got out from behind the piano, and came off really awkward and weird. I don’t think either of these two have anything remotely approaching the fan bases of Alison or Adam. My guess? Scott goes home this week.