American Idol: Season 8, Top 7
It‘s horrible movie songs week, and our guest mentor is noted singer/songwriter Quentin Tarantino. He‘s actually judged on the show before, and tried his hardest to be Simon Cowell. Maybe he‘s auditioning for a job. In any event, the judges (read: Kara and Paula) talked WAY too much nonsense, so tonight, only half the contestants will be getting any useful criticism. I mean, Randy‘s teamed with Kara, for Pete‘s sake! Whose notes is he going to steal?! Anyway, my recording of this is ten different kinds of fucked up, so this should be interesting. This? Is American Idol!
Allison Iraheta
Singing: “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith
Quentin Tarantino Says: She wasn’t really singing the song. You have to sing songs, right?
Performance: This is actually pretty decent in a “Baby’s First Rock Video” way. Her voice matches up with Steven Tyler’s pretty well (you don’t say!) but I still find that gravely tone she’s got really distracting and kind of irritating. Also kind of irritating? Her neon pink leggings and black ruffled dress combo she’s got going on there. Seriously, who dresses this girl?
Judges Say: You’re like a bottle of barbecue sauce.
I Say: I like the performance ok, but the outfit? Not so much.
Change: +1
Score: +6
Anoop Desai
Singing: “(Everything I Do) I Do for You” by Brian Adams
Quentin Tarantino Says: I want Anoop to vomit this song.
Performance: Fuck yes! Bringing home the Prince of Thieves pain! Anoop is almost as good an actor as Kevin Costner. Anoop is still dressed like somebody’s concept drawing of a college student. The vocals are mad hot, yo. They’re jumpin’ off right here. Except when he’s breathing into the mic. Then he gets pitchy, yo. Yo! Dawg, Anoop’s my Dawg though, right?
Judges Say: You’re rockin’ the house wit da bomb, yo! Dawg!
I Say: I actually really liked this non-ironically and everything.
Change: +1
Score: +/- 0
Adam Lambert
Singing: “Born to Be Wild” by Steppenwolf
Quentin Tarantino Says: It doesn‘t really matter what I tell you to do here.
Performance: Hahahaha! This is just the completely fucked up song that he would choose too. He’s “Born to Be Wild” folks. I wonder if he’s going to choose to do the Ozzy/Miss Piggy cover of this song. Seriously, though, Adam Lambert is what would happen if David Cook and Blake Lewis had a baby, and that baby married Clay Aiken. Fake lightning! Crotch thrusts! Ricky Minor dancing! Horrible vocals! This is really fucking awful.
Judges Say: We’re still riding this train for as long as people keep voting for your ass.
I Say: This was like the worst nightmare you’ve ever had started its own garage band.
Change: -2
Score: -1
Matt Giraud
Singing: “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” by Bryan Adams
Quentin Tarantino Says: Enunciate so that I can understand you.
Performance: Come on, man! Jack Johnson did a whole soundtrack for “Curious George!” Or was that not on the list? We should’ve just done “Lame Bryan Adams Songs” week. He’s got a whole catalog! Matt’s dressed like he’s going to work at the piano at Sears, so it’s good he’s got his post-Idol career planned out. It’s a fine vocal performance, and I like the orchestra, but it’s all very bland.
Judges Say: You tried to do too much with a Bryan Adams song, we can’t help you.
I Say: So, yeah, if it’s anything to go buy, I would not buy this album.
Change: -1
Score: +3
Danny Gokey
Singing: “Endless Love” by Lionel Ritchie
Quentin Tarantino Says: Quit playing with your hands, dork.
Performance: Danny cannot *wait* to play with his hands once he starts singing on the show. Take that, Quentin Tarantino! He calls this his most emotional performance of the show so far, and I’m over this before it even started. It’s really, really time to lay off this crap, dude. Don’t let your wife’s death define you and your pretty good voice.
Judges Say: We find you good, but very boring.
I Say: I’m beyond feeling bad for him, I’m sorry. But enough.
Change: -1
Score: +3
Kris Allen
Singing: “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Quentin Tarantino Says: At least he picked a song he actually likes.
Performance: Pretty ballsy to pick a duet, dude. The backup singer tries to sing her parts really quiet so we don’t notice she’s there. This is that Oscar song nobody’s ever heard of right? The one by two people that were so absolutely madly in love that they broke up a year later? Yeah. Ok. Now I…still don’t know this song. Whatever. He’s pretty good, and boring, but here’s the thing, I actually think people would buy this record. I’m just saying.
Judges Say: Randy hated it because he didn’t get it, but Kara wants to have sex with him.
I Say: Maybe the first performance he’s had so far that I thought would actually go anywhere.
Change: +2
Score: +4
Lil Rounds
Singing: “The Rose” by Bette Midler
Quentin Tarantino Says: We just totally ruined her arrangement surprise.
Performance: They did this to Blake too, and it kind of sucked for him, it sucks even more for Lil, because she’s so boring. Her voice is finally coming back when she does the “Gospel” section, but it’s too damn late for any of that. She’s already played her hand, and Kris, Adam, and Allison have her beat by a good mile.
Judges Say: You’re pretty much done in this competition.
I Say: I liked it more than the past few weeks, but it’s still not good.
Change: -1
Score: -2
My Bottom Two:
Matt and Lil
Matt picked a horribly boring song on a week when he knew his head was on the chopping block, and his performance did not do him any favors. That said, Lil has had four weeks of awful performances, and now she’s copped an attitude about it. Yelling at Simon because he didn’t like your performance is not the way to win over the voting public. People will take a little bit of backtalk, but not that much. If I had to pick, Lil would be going home.