Hock Show Weekend Top Five for January 24th – 30th, 2009
1. No, Nobody Still Cares About the Pro Bowl. About 90% of the rosters backed out, I’m pretty sure I’m listed as the starting fullback for the NFC. The NFL is falling all over itself to put the game back in Hawaii next year (some place people would actually want to go!). But now they can’t even keep people who are actually there in the game. Minnesota Viking Bryant McKinney showed up to Miami, went out drinking and figured he was having so much fun at that, he wasn’t going to bother, you know, doing any of the football stuff.
2. John Edwards Has a Sex Tape, Sees Dead People. You know what? I don’t care if former Senator John Edwards has a sex tape. I don’t even care that his former intern is running all over the place telling everybody that Edwards has a gigantic…chief of staff. What concerns me is that, apparently, other people actually care about his. Like…really, you guys? An old man with terrible teeth? That’s what you want to see?
3. There Are No Hit Points in Prison. If you want to go exploring strange caves in prison, I guess you’ll just have to…explore somebody’s strange cave, because the State of Wisconsin has banned Dungeons and Dragons from their facilities, because they promote escape fantasies. As…opposed to just sitting around in prison, I guess.
4. The Grammys Are Tonight. Ah, finally the awards ceremony that’s even more useless than the People’s Choice Award. Somewhere, Amy Winehouse is throwing up in your honor. Or maybe it’s not in your honor, I don’t think she knows where she is right now. I love the Grammys, because something nuts always happens. This year? I’m guessing Kanye finally hooks up with Taylor Swift.
5. Rip Torn Is the Best Celebrity. Some “hardcore” rapper is going to win a Grammy tonight, but the real hardcore superstar? Emmy winner Rip Torn, who got wasted and tried to rob a bank in Connecticut this week. Ridiculous, but the guy’s a character actor and probably doesn’t have as much money as you might think. I’ll still always remember him as…that guy…that one time.